http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/2009/11/07/16449

I'm so disgusted right now I can't even think straight.

He stumbled into faith and thought
God, there is all there is
The pictures in his mind arose
And began to breathe
And all the gods and all the worlds
Began colliding on a backdrop of blue



This has been a shitful week as N. would say. Just bad news across the board. A close friend lost a family member unexpectedly. It just rocked her whole family, you can't help but see it. I woke up this morning in a panic, thinking about all the vacations she had gone on with the family member, thinking about the last one they went on, thinking about what's going to happen now, how this will change her living situation, etc. About how hard next week's going to be for her when she has to pretend like life goes back to normal, even though it doesn't. I thought about the world we live in where there seems to be two groups within my peer group - those who are approaching 30 and haven't lost anyone but a very occasional elderly family member or a friend's parent or an acquaintance and those of us . . .well, those of us who should have a punch card with a free slurpee attached to every five or so wakes that one attends. Me, well, when asked for a first memory, one of the first things that comes to mind is my grandmother's death and it's all sort of downhill from there.


Last night, A. and I went to the wake, it was the first viewing. I have this morbid fascination with the brochures the funeral homes have. This particular home had a listing of 19 things that you should do (or not do) to help the grieving. It was actually very helpful advice, A. is part of the punch card catagory and we're always appalled by people who don't know how to conduct themselves around bereaving people, but as I said, it's a different world now, there are people who this isn't automatic for. I mean, I'm surrounded by boxes and shardkin and I can pull funeral clothes like a rabbit out of a fucking hat (he too is part of the punchcard club). I have a set of clothes always hanging neatly ready for a wake. I can make a casserole ready to go in under an hour. It's weird to me that there are people aren't like this, just like I'm sure I seem like a freak on a leash to people who haven't lost too much yet.

But there's always sort of gallows humor around a wake because you can only cry so much. A. and I quickly agreed that #4 (Always be yourself!) was really terrible advice which was quickly seconded by our grieving friend ("That's a terrible idea. None of us are appropriate for wakes as ourselves."). We also assured her that we had now learned that we shouldn't tell her how she feels and that we should treat her normally when she makes her triumphant return to normal society. We also helpfully told her that she now gets a "grief spiral" which neither A. or nor I were lucky enough to get previously, so she should use the fuck out of it. We also thought that in the brochure basically telling you to kiss your funeral director's ass because s/he does the planning of a wedding or bar mitzvah in a mere few days was a bit much since the home we were visiting had five funeral directors, so they had more than enough people to share the burden with.

People are beginning to tease me about how often I wind up at wakes (hence the slurpee comment from a friend) because I've just sort of given up and accepted every couple months (if I'm lucky) that's what I'll be doing. I was like, hey I had like three months off in between wakes! For me that's a good solid break!

I'm exhausted though. It was painting then moving then really super sick then wakes and then Samhain on Saturday. It's really draining.

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• This has been a hell of a week so far. I'm finally not too sick (stopped taking pills) and a close friend just had a death in the family. #
• I feel awful for her, it was v. unexpected. Tonight/tomorrow will = wakes. Usually every Samhain I bring a stuffed pumpkin #
• but I just don't think I'm going to be able to this year. I'll bring a metric ton of ziti instead. I may use the pumpkin for my circle #
• if it's still good and if i can manage it. #

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• We are finally moved. Thank goodness for my mom's SUV and my sister's bf's huge SUV otherwise I have no idea how we would have finished. #
• We finished on Oct. 31st. I have never seen a snake since I was v. little but as we were finishing, I saw a tiny garter snake. #
• I think it's auspitious as snakes are sacred to Shiva. #
• I then got sick as a dog from Sunday on. Jow has been an unpacking machine, but I have been useless. Today is my first day back at work #
• and that's a little iffy. I'll see how I'm doing tomorrow. I don't think I'm contagious at this point. #
• We're working out all the small aggreviating problems of a new house. All our boxes fit into the dining room, more or less which fills #
• me with hope that they'll fit okay in the actual house #
• Samhain is this weekend. I'm hoping to be well enough for it. I have my invocation set and my altar ideas prepared. #

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My darlings,

Chapter 21 is now live. I have not yet had a chance to read it, but I am personally caught up to Chapter 20 (and OMG Chapter 19!!!).

Some of you may have read about Cat's current situation. Now those of you who know her personally know that she would never ask for donations to help her with her honeymoon situation. Those of you who know her personally also know she's not comfortable taking a donation for nothing.

So *I* am asking you that if you have it to spare this week, if you could donate for Chapter 21, it would be a kindness. If anyone deserves a nice honeymoon, it's our Cat. If you would like to boost signal about the situation, please promote donations for Fairyland or the sale of ebooks.

with love,
Deb

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• This morning my jeans that are usually tight felt a little loose. Something good coming of all this shlepping I suppose. #
• I was listening to a radio show last night about how technology is moving faster than people are comfortable with and how people have #
• started to ask other people to sort of check their crackberry, etc at the door so that everyone is "present". I do confess, I get annoyed #
• when people are constantly surfing and texting while I am out with them, I find it frustrating. I don't mind an occasional quick text #
• but if I'm out with you, I'm trying to connect with you and it makes me feel less important. #
• They were also saying how current tech makes it so people are never lost and never alone which I think speaks a lot to our current culture. #
• And on one hand, I like that gps has made travel so much easier. On the other, I have many fond memories of my friends and I playing the #
• Let's Get Lost Game and we would get lost on purpose and admire the houses, check out new towns, eat munchkins, gossip #
• It's made it so that I am never lost for long in central NJ and will only get lostish in South Jersey and North Jersey. #
• My office surprised me yesterday with a bread machine that also makes jam. I'm v. excited about this. I know it's normal to boff the #
• first few batches, but it's made me calmer, somehow. I think I keep subconsciously freaking about what I'm going to do when I am settled #
• Because the last year all I've been is unsettled. And it's like, okay, I'll make bread. I'll make some Julia Childs recipes and other #
• vintage recipes. I'll write. I'll sew skirts. I'll get back to making stuff for L.'s shop. #
• and it's calming. #
• Thanks to an email this morning, I'm finally coming to peace with a relationship I have long since struggled with. #
• And I came to peace with it by taking responsibility for my actions in what I did wrong there. #
• This year has really been about that for me, taking responsibility for actions and decisions I've made and it's really helped. #
• I think on Halloween if we can manage it, we're going to see where the wild things are and get munchkins and go to cokesbury. #
• Garage is cleaned out, wasband closet #2 is cleared out. Now it's just packing odds and ends, shelping it down to the garage #
• and then shlepping it all to the new condo. #
• I'm starting to get better adjusted to sleeping in the new place. I think I want to keep my current bedframe and just get a new mattress #

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• We have thrown out so much stuff that we've needed to do an unauthorized trip or two to the dumpsters in my old complex. #
• Bed is assembled, thanks to the boys. The garage is almost completely cleaned out. Most of the kitchen is done. #
• The bathrooms are more or less done. Our current goal is to get rid of a crapload of the garbage, and get all of the unmoved junk into the #
• garage and then on Fri/Sat take my mom's suv and just pack it out. Fri the cleaning service comes so tomorrow fridge needs to be cleaned out #
• I am v. willing to pay for things in general - a cleaning service, new clothes, etc. I am v. unwilling to pay for boxes. #
• I feel like we should be able to wildcraft them, they happen organically all over the place. So far, my plan has been successful. #
• I'm v. anxious and tired today. The weather has not helped. #
• I'm trying to get used to sleeping in our new bedroom. We closed the door against Frolicking Night Time Cats. I am adjusting the blinds. #
• I'm trying to get used to needing to opening and closing the bedroom door to pee in the middle of the night. #
• I think we need a hall night light. #
• I just want to be done, I'm really worn thin at this point, though I am grateful for all the help we've had, our move wouldn't have been #
• nearly as smooth or easy without it. #
• I'm still trying to digest how different my life has become in a year and a small handful of weeks. #
• Wading through all the accumulated junk has definately brought up a lot of issues. #
• I've definately gone outside my comfort zone this year. #
• Friday we will have intertubes again in the house and cable which will help. All it's been this week is cathouse and scrubs. #
• I'm ready for some Judge Judy and Degrassi. #

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Day two of full time homeownership:

Fixed the cabinets with little rubber bumpers. They now freely open and close. I AM A LOCAL GOD.

New toilet seat, toilet paper holder, and towel holder with shelves purchased.

Shower curtain - installed. New shower, pretty good aktually.

Timer for the kitchen - purchased and neatly placed above the stove for max helpfulness

Filter thingie - changed

Act duct - cleaned out but screws would not reinstall. Will need to borrow a drill. Partial unexpected loss.

First disc of Cathouse - watched

Pillows - forgotten again but new one purchased - partial loss

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• I haven't been donating to organizations this year, though I know they need it too, I've been making donations to people. #
• It feels really good seeing direct results - houses taken out of foreclosure, heat restored, new jobs found, etc. #
• But. I'm not going to lie, it's purely selfishly driven. I know my luck. #
• if my appendix bursts, I want people there with their checkboxes out. #
• checkbooks even ;p #

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ADF founder, Pagan Author and Speaker Isaac Bonewits has been diagnosed with cancer.

As per his wishes, he is accepting donations, prayers, thoughts, and "signal boosting" (by reposting this).

me: did you open the boxes?
Jow: I only found one box at home
bowels
me: bowels? ;p
me: i'm imagining a box full of bowels ("But . . .I ordered bowls . . .ewwwww. . . .")

Bathroom - done
Melissa's Red Room of Despair - done
Dining Room/Professor Longshank's Sekret Hideway - done (avec leather faux finish)
Kitchen/hall - kept as is, due to laziness, despair, and a lack of interest
Spare Oom - done (avec bamboo like faux finish)
"Master Suite" (you see, I use air quotes here because unlike my batcave cavernous bedroom in the apt, the MS is really just a "slightly larger bedroom with no individual bathroom") - first coat done, second coat today with Miss April (I thought oh hei! Stripes would be easier than a faux finish! That was a perilous mistake being worked out currently)
Edging/f*ck up fixing - tbd tonight avec J^1 & J^2

Tomorrow: Disessembling beds, book packing, altar packing, possible garage clean out (cont'd), organizing for the moving van, packing a "temporary kit" for the new place

Sunday: Moving van, shelping sh*t

Monday - Friday - donating, tossing, packing, spackling, finding/replacing carbon monoxide detectors and smoke detectors, turning in keys, having cleaning service do final move out cleaning, connect cable in new place

To be done before 11/20 (housewarming party) - new flooring in the kitchen/bath, carpet cleaning, mural ordering, unpacking

Already done:
Downstairs Hall Closet of Despair - check
Wasband Closet 1 - check
Pantry Clean out - check
Craft Closet of Misery& Memories - check
Garage full of Wasband crap - 1/2ish done
Switching mail, cable companies, canceling carpet appointments, moving gas/electric and water over - check
Housewarming party - scheduled
House Blessing - check

Misc:
Savella check up - check
Dentist - next week
Gyn minor procedure - scheduled for next month
Random Med Paperwork - Check
Needless Arguments - done on Monday

Yesterday there was a total faux finish crisis of faith. I have begun to suspect that faux finishing started as walls not painting correctly and then they started marketing it to idiots like myself, charging an arm and a leg for special paint brushes, glazes, etc.

I have this total fear that the faux finish style I am using on Spare Oom (somewhat like this: http://www.markruddystudios.com/picture.php?work=fauxFinish&picNum=2) is just going to look like a poor paint job verses an intentional decision. For reasons mostly unknown to me, this caused a complete and utter breakdown.

It's a green room and I wanted it to look kind of bambooish, and it does but the thing is, the way our walls are, we've been battling cellulite like pock marks no matter what we do, no matter how many layers or how much primer, etc. is used. It just seems to be the walls. We've covered it up but I just have this nightmare that at the housewarming party people will smile and nod and then whisper, omg, I don't know what she was thinking.

My poor sister who has busted her *ass* on this and done *so* much (even coming in while I was at work) has become Johnny the Homicidal Maniac (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_the_Homicidal_Maniac) in trying to get the Red Room an even shade of red (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_the_Homicidal_Maniac#Johnny_.22Nny.22_C.).

I just keep trying to remind myself that it's a pretty new condo, all the appliances and Important Items (water heater, A/C, etc.) are in good working order and according to inspection, won't need replacement for at least seven years (at the v. least highly unlikely immediately). We don't need to reno, etc. Basically all we need to do is get the walls done, carpets cleaned, bathroom and kitchen floors replaced, move in and decorate. Of course there's more to be done (we need an arm chair, microwave, folding chairs, replace bathroom and kitchen sinks, eventually replace tub and counter tops, etc., etc.) but we'll be in a pretty decent position.

We scheduled our housewarming party as people have already been making noises about it!

I've been facebooking more than lj'ing lately due to complete exhaustion. If you want to read my exciting micro tid bits on the move process, friend me on fb here, but give me your lj name if I don't know your real life name as I don't tend to friend back strangers.

Help a fellow dreamer keep his house here. Pass the word along!

I have offically finally hit the panic stage of moving. In a way, I should be pleased with myself because it took me longer than usual to get here.

There's just so much to do, I have this complete fear of everything not getting done. I'm not even entirely sure what that means. Last week my body decided to minorly rebel with a fibro flare up, this week it has chosen to protest via a headcold.

I run through my list of accomplishments of things that have been finished like rosary beads, I run through my planned list of things to be done the same way. I remind myself that I have next week clear to do whatever odds and ends need doing. That we are paying a cleaning service to take care of that brutal last cleaning so we don't have to worry about it. That we have filled 20+ contractors bags full of wasband flotsam and packrat jetsam.

But besides the actual stress of moving, I feel like by going into those literal dark corners of my house, I've been reliving my life from high school on in fast forward. And it's that somewhat raw feeling again, not just from the divorce, but from all the people who've come and gone and left a mark on my life. It's draining trying to figure out what to hold onto (pictures mostly) and what to let go of. And like the early stages of the divorce, it's not always what I think it will be - sometimes something I think will bother me does and sometimes what I think won't bother me does.

I want a life not so tethered to possessions. And that's been the stage I've been in for a while now, selling, donating, and trashing whatever is not imperative to me. I don't want our new place to be overflowing with junk in the way that our current house is.

We've started to put things in boxes. We made a list of items that need to be moved in the moving van. As of Sunday, we'll be (at the very least) sleeping in the new place as we finish up cleaning out the old place.

I haven't been sleeping well or eating well. I've been having lots of dreams, some of them shamanic in nature. The spirit part of me gets that this is a big deal, that this is the big ta-da, the big transition into Motherhood, but the waking part of me less so.

Things that make me happy:
* shardkin carrying me piggy back over the threshold
* The house blessing spell we did together to make sure the energy in the house set right
* James being a ginormous help in Operation Clean Out the Garage
* My sister helping with the painting
* The colors we picked for the rooms in the house
* Knowing that in a few weeks we will be reasonably settled

So here's the important part. Gentle readers, expect me to act like a complete and utter flake from now until approximately Nov 15th while I am getting my shit together. I will not be able to firmly commit to anything* in hanging out, I will not be able to correspond with any regularity, and I will generally be cranky, stressed out, and perhaps weepy as well as generally unreliable. Thank you for your patience!

* Except for Samhain. I have been to every Samhain for the last eight years and luckily, it's not til after the move out date. Additionally, it's going to be to celebrate GoG's big anniversary which will (hopefully) mean that the sad aspect will be smaller. I think I would feel rudderless without it.

I will steal from theferret:

Tell me a secret, any kind: personal, confessional, raucous, sexy. All comments are screened, of course. You can be annoynomous.

This is sort of interesting to me, they seem like good "buckets" to have, but maybe I'm jaded from being well traveled and just . . .doing a lot of shit. I've done most of this stuff so I'm thinking now, hmm, what would my buckets be?

( Bucket List Meme )

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• So, I fixed my mouse problem at work, now my arm isn't hurting as much. I'm ridiculously pleased with myself about this. #
• Last night I ground chicken for Jow and my lunch and beef for burgers. I am getting better at the add ins. Add ins for chicken: #
• tyme, shallot, and garlic with a little wine. Burgers: portobella mushrooms, bleu cheese, garlic, and pancetta. #
• I find meat grinding ridiculously relaxing. Oh and rosemary in the burgers. Rich came over bearing port because he's a good man. #
• Went to Char with Cindy and April. Long story short: abysmal service, free drinks. Then we went to McCormick & Schmidt's for beer. #
• It was good to catch up, but I came home later than I expected which meant pm pills later than usual. Jow as usual is a good cow and packed #
• my bento for me. Which really helps when I am out of spoons at the end of the night. #
• So far, downstairs bathroom cleaned out, downstairs linen closet cleaned out, Corner of Despair cleaned out, one upstairs closet cleaned out #
• Also cleaned out a lot of crap in doing the garage sale. #
• Finally showed Mothra the condo (we need to show James too). She approved of the size if not the previous owner's interior decorating. #
• Tues Jow and I picked out paint swatches and we're going to talk to someone about the carpet to see if it's feasible this year. #
• The carpet and the current linolium are the worst offenders of the condo, followed by the paint choices for some of the rooms. #
• But my mantra is, everything wrong with the condo is minor and cosmetic, everything wrong with the condo is minor and cosmetic . . . #
• Tonight James and I are going to get sushi. We're still deciding if it's going to be delivery or take out. I've been so wiped this week. #

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I am happy in my current job. I honestly do like dull work, it pays well, it has really good hours, I have a window by my desk, unfettered internet access, a good commute, and a really nice boss.

I think there is a such thing as a dream job, but I think people confuse "dream job" with "complete bliss state". I mean, it's a job. There's always going to be shit you don't like doing, times where it's boring or a drag.

5-10 years I will either be:

- Doing some kind of event planning
- Taking over my boss' business when she retires
- Full time writer
- Personal assistant
- Exec assist in a small company
- Part time writer
- Part time crafter

I don't really know which combination of which I will be doing, but I am working on all of the above.