[glad game]

* Sunday the triumverte is going to go see New Moon and take in all of its ridiculousness. For the longest time I thought I was the only one who was Team Jacob (don't spoil book 4 pls, I have not read yet). Edward wants to cuddle, drives a Volvo, won't make you a vampire, and is a 150 year old virgin and tends to be bossy and controlling. Jacob wants to make out, ride motorcycles and go cliff diving with you, totally fills you in on info straight away, and wants to let you be your own person. Also Dakota Fanning as evil = win

* Tonight dinner date with my bfs, we're going to my fave restaurant, Skylark.

* Last night there was holiday wine and telly watching

* Slowly but surely, we keep making more progress on the house

* Thanksgiving should be complete chaos at my house in the big fat italian family sort of way. J^1 & J^2 will be in attendance. Mom and I squabbling over the menu (she always thinks I make too much but the woman just bought a 20 pound turkey, readers. For reals). I'm looking forward to it actually, melissa sous-chefing for me in the kitchen, everyone else talking all loud in the house, cooking Julia Childs style. Mom and I have gotten closer since I moved into the dev and funnily, I like it.

* I am becoming pretty handy. My laundry machine was threatening to revolt, so I was scampering around doing things that google suggested to fix it (unplugging, tipping, etc.). I fixed it all by myself! Yatta!

My friend F. and I were just talking about our first real grown up kisses.

How old were you, where were you, and who first gave you your first grown up kiss?

I was (not-so)Sweet Sixteen, I was in the library, and it was my second boyfriend, the first boy I ever really loved.*


* As I was sixteen, I'm sure you can imagine how well that relationship went. ;p We're together! We're broken up! I love you! I hate you! Just full on Twilight obsessive psychosis.

However, my first kiss being in the library explains a lot about why I find books so sexy . . .

random okc ass: How do you feel about giving your number to a stranger?

me: . . .are you serious? I'm a fucking admin. The last thing I want to do is talk on the phone to some guy I don't even know. ::block::

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• Jow wants to drive my car rental, a PT Cruiser which I find adorable. #
• Today I have a colposcopy (tinyurl.com/562sw) scheduled which is precisely as much fun as it sounds. #
• J^1 and J^2 are awesome as usual. Jow is taking me to the dr. James is bringing home treats. There will be steak and tortelli. #
• L. is having a crap day today too and is much more amenable to swapping days than A. was yesterday. For some reason I couldn't cajole her #
• into getting the colposcopy for me. #
• I watch a lot of junk tv and on reality tv my least favorite archetype is "fun mom". I hate fun mom. I hate fun mom with a passion. #
• I suspect this comes from being a nanny (none of the moms I nannied for had that problem, but I was the discipline arbitrator). #
• Fun mom is not a gender construct either. I was such a hard ass at my old job, I had my clients trained. #
• Fun mom also translates into cool teacher, etc. #
• Moms are there to be your mom, not to be your best pal imo. I cannot talk to my mom about sex but I can talk to her about my health issues #
• and my mortgage. That's what moms are there for imo. #

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[glad game]

* Good job cervix!
* OMG, it's looking quite possible that I will get to go to Arisia with xrlyehx and her friend E. and tear shit up as the Red Head Brigade! Wooo!
* Moving forward with Sekrit SalonCon project
* Going to see if I can arrange a reading of my currently in contract story at the Erotic Salon as April wants to bring Cin to check it out
* Thanksgiving menu, conquerred!
* Black Lace has *not* gone under as was earlier predicted and Cleis is doing a bang up business, so should I want to pursue a career in erotica verses romance, it looks possible
* House is getting more and more unpacked
* We're expecting 30 people for the housewarming!
* Mini break with Jow coming up
* Been taking on more responsibilities at work but stress level still low
* Post thanksgiving I get my life back
* Plan for couch cover
* In a damn fine mood today!

So apparently, since the last colposcopy, my cells are doing really well and omg was the appt easier with xanax. So the doctor (and this the one I like, she's the head of the center)said that while the strain of HPV I have is highly contagious, it is the kind that generally kicks out in two years.

So she says to me, will I be taking meds for fibro for forever? And I say sort of awkwardly, probably, but they're doing a lot of research . . .and I start to wonder if she's one of those drs who thinks this is like a psych condition but she matter of factly says, it's an auto-immune system issue (which more and more doctors are recognizing) so for me it might take a bit longer for it to kick out of my system.

I think because we were bs'ing about pharma companies during the colposcopy (since my company works in the industry) she thought maybe I may have known if there was a cure in sight
because as an ob/gyn i can't see keeping up with fibro being at the very top of her list of things to worry about.

But if I did need freezing or lasering, it could be done in the office, which also makes me feel better because it beats a trip to the hospital and they do payment plans at PP.

So basically, I just need a regular pap in jan, they're going to keep an eye on it (which may mean more colposcopies) but assuming everything keeps getting better, in 1-3 years, it should be kicked out of my system entirely.

Finally, my body did not fail at something, i'm like good job cervix!

Henry Rollins does this piece in his standup about how he went to this town and there are all these kids with iphones and dressed nice pan handling and one of them says, henry rollins, I love your music. Can you spare a dollar? Henry proceeds to take out a wad of cash and says you can have all this. If you fight me for it. And the kid is like, what are you crazy? I'm not fighting you for it. And Henry harragues him about it and then leaves. He said the kids must have all been texting each other to not ask him for money because he was crazy and no one will make eye contact with him.

my convo on okc this morning was:
im phil and i really liked your profile...want to talk to a rich well hung man??

[11:04:54 am]smallraven:why yes Phil. I woke up this morning and thought to myself, man you know what I need at 11a? A rich well hung man. You're an idiot. ::blocks::

and the punchline is this guy ims one of James' friends
and she says
"hilarious i have a friend you just sent this same message to. I guess we both must be awesome. Have a good day"

I have been really nasty with any guy on okc who acts like a tool and promptly blocking them (I'm never nasty if you're polite and chicks have yet to be tools to me), hopefully there's a Tool network on OKC and they will get the word out to each other to avoid me. ;p

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• *Spoiler alert* OMFG GG! 3some! V + Hilary Duff kissing!!!!111!!! It was epic. #
• The cotillion, less so. I refuse to believe they would allow a group that sings a song about being a bitch in leather at the cotillion. #
• Last cotillion had the Pierces in deb dresses which was much more plausible. Also, the dresses weren't v. deb and omfg little J and your #
• dumb gloves. You're no queen B. #
• Amazon rit planned. Starbucks today with April. Tonight there will be putting together my craft corner and putting up altars, hopefully. #
• I've been totally zombified the last few days, I don't know why. I've been taking my vitamins. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, stress is that you? #
• You just can't stay away from me can you? We're totally taking a "break" in our relationship post thanksgiving. I need some space. #
• My pumpkin sauce is getting pretty awesome. I'm making pumpkin soup on Fri for circle. #
• Whoo! I just fixed a problem at work and am all puffed up about it. I used to do this kind of trouble shooting like six times a day #
• at my old job. It's sort of fun occasionally, but I don't miss the aggro. It's nice to be in a much lower stress job making more an hour. #
• I have a weird but specific desire for hotdogs in crescent rolls and mac and cheese (whole wheat, white cheddar) with broccoli and blondies #
• What everyone's getting for xmas this year: www.regretsy.com/?p=4526 #
• OMG, want. www.mlkhny.com/houserules/ #

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• Me: What would you do in my situation? A: Kill. Uh . . .I mean, I don't know. #
• This week is going to be interesting to power through. Getting car fixed from accident. Colposcopy to make sure I'm still cancer free. #
• Carpet stretching. Amazon rit on Friday. #
• Tonight I think I'm going to organize my crafting supplies and plan the Amazon rit in greater detail. Make pumpkin gnocchi for dinner. #
• Maybe take a nap and watch some Degrassi. #
• I totally have a maschochistic relationship with OKC. I like to "fluff my tail feathers" on occasion as most people do #
• (i.e. get some external validation that people who are not currently sleeping with me find me attractive still) and I played for like a week #
• on OKC and I went from "Validation." to "Oh god. Validation." So I'm thinking I'm going to leave it alone in another day or two #
• and go back to haunting fetlife primarily and chat with all the fun kids in the back of the classroom. #
• In another round of, if I was a twue submissive, I suspect that when J. had said, I don't care. Do it anyway. #
• My response of, :: incredulous look::: :: sharp flick to his ear:: was not considered correct in most circles. #
• After Black Friday (our house warming party - we're having a dessert theme), I get my life back which is a strange and foreign concept. #
• I'll be looking forward to starting by getting my dining room back. #
• But by all accounts, we're making good progress which I'm excited about. #
• I'm getting a better idea of what I'd like to accomplish post thanksgiving - the crafts I owe L. Bread baking. Making a skirt for myself. #
• Learning granny squares. Xmas crafting/shopping. Dare I say writing? #
• I am so sleepy today. #
• I need to finish planning Thanksgiving menu and Housewarming menu. #

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[the glad game]

* Tonight was made of awesome. We (myself and J^1 & J^2) went to go visit L. and her tribe. They're settling in nicely and have bought some of the same flooring we did. L. made a standing rib roast with roasted veggies and we brought cupcakes and it was omg good. Everyone kept teasing me, "This is what she would have wanted, to die the way she lived!" I was like, "Another glass of wine please! Why yes I would like a cigarette. If I drop dead from so much yum, just cram a cupcake in my mouth."

* James and I rented a billion movies on our mini break from porn to hannah montana. So now at home, everything is oh shit! Oh fuck! Which is the language of porno.

* Cocktails and fishes and oysters at Legal Seafood

* "Just, you know, gorgeous little things, darling." Two Blair Waldorf headbands, a book on how to be a lady, new plates for the house, two special teacups, cocoa peppermint body wash, and twig like chopsticks are now part of my life, mmmm.

* Just, that warm fizzy feeling I get, being surrounded by my bfs at home and all our silly little in jokes.

* Getting closer to being unpacked

* "Validation. Oh god, validation!"

* Pulling together an Amazon rit inspired by Cat's Fairyland and Sooj's music

* Comfy 'jamas, getting to pick one of Jow's shirts to sleep in (currently: NIN's downward spiral orignal tour), dancing around howling the lyrics to red right ankle while Jow works on James' back (Oh shit! Oh fuck!)

* Jow packing my bento

* Going to Van Gogh's Ear on Tues with April

* Mr. Gouda (and Why I am Suspious of Compliments - the first book I remember is Richard Scary's Busy Book and there's a story about a crow and a piece of cheese and all the other animals trying to get her to give it up. A fox tricks her by complimenting her voice. I think subconsciously, whenever someone says something about my voice I'm like, you're lying! Stay the fuck away from my cheese! Jow did a good imatation on the car ride home with James from L's place)

* Finally getting a chance to get into Sooj's music

* Every day everything gets a little more awesome

Anyway, the world is happy, the world is happy . . .
[glad game]

* I got a cami that is actually covering and not barely a hint away from porntastic (girls with bigger chests who have to show up at a work place dressed appropriately understand what a bfd this is)
* Along with a new purple sweater and a few other things on sale
* Tonight there will be wine and bad telly
* Tomorrow there will be a mini break with James
* Sunday I see L. and her new place
* The flooring situation (our kitchen and bathroom floors are what could be charitably called "hospital chic" currently) should be situated shortly
* By Thanksgiving we should be reasonably settled
* Our bathroom is becoming somewhat organized
* We're done shleping boxes and painting
* Went to the casino and cracker barrel with april

arxacies has patiently explained his job to me multiple times. But all that's stuck in my head in our five year relationship is a vague, something to do with Excel spreadsheets, lusers who fuck up computers and sketchily misplace them, and a lot of meetings with a boss who I think is in love with him. But really, at the end of the day, this is how I see it.

Raising funds to help Phoenix Marie get urgently needed medical treatment.

http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/2009/11/07/16449

I'm so disgusted right now I can't even think straight.

He stumbled into faith and thought
God, there is all there is
The pictures in his mind arose
And began to breathe
And all the gods and all the worlds
Began colliding on a backdrop of blue



This has been a shitful week as N. would say. Just bad news across the board. A close friend lost a family member unexpectedly. It just rocked her whole family, you can't help but see it. I woke up this morning in a panic, thinking about all the vacations she had gone on with the family member, thinking about the last one they went on, thinking about what's going to happen now, how this will change her living situation, etc. About how hard next week's going to be for her when she has to pretend like life goes back to normal, even though it doesn't. I thought about the world we live in where there seems to be two groups within my peer group - those who are approaching 30 and haven't lost anyone but a very occasional elderly family member or a friend's parent or an acquaintance and those of us . . .well, those of us who should have a punch card with a free slurpee attached to every five or so wakes that one attends. Me, well, when asked for a first memory, one of the first things that comes to mind is my grandmother's death and it's all sort of downhill from there.


Last night, A. and I went to the wake, it was the first viewing. I have this morbid fascination with the brochures the funeral homes have. This particular home had a listing of 19 things that you should do (or not do) to help the grieving. It was actually very helpful advice, A. is part of the punch card catagory and we're always appalled by people who don't know how to conduct themselves around bereaving people, but as I said, it's a different world now, there are people who this isn't automatic for. I mean, I'm surrounded by boxes and shardkin and I can pull funeral clothes like a rabbit out of a fucking hat (he too is part of the punchcard club). I have a set of clothes always hanging neatly ready for a wake. I can make a casserole ready to go in under an hour. It's weird to me that there are people aren't like this, just like I'm sure I seem like a freak on a leash to people who haven't lost too much yet.

But there's always sort of gallows humor around a wake because you can only cry so much. A. and I quickly agreed that #4 (Always be yourself!) was really terrible advice which was quickly seconded by our grieving friend ("That's a terrible idea. None of us are appropriate for wakes as ourselves."). We also assured her that we had now learned that we shouldn't tell her how she feels and that we should treat her normally when she makes her triumphant return to normal society. We also helpfully told her that she now gets a "grief spiral" which neither A. or nor I were lucky enough to get previously, so she should use the fuck out of it. We also thought that in the brochure basically telling you to kiss your funeral director's ass because s/he does the planning of a wedding or bar mitzvah in a mere few days was a bit much since the home we were visiting had five funeral directors, so they had more than enough people to share the burden with.

People are beginning to tease me about how often I wind up at wakes (hence the slurpee comment from a friend) because I've just sort of given up and accepted every couple months (if I'm lucky) that's what I'll be doing. I was like, hey I had like three months off in between wakes! For me that's a good solid break!

I'm exhausted though. It was painting then moving then really super sick then wakes and then Samhain on Saturday. It's really draining.

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• This has been a hell of a week so far. I'm finally not too sick (stopped taking pills) and a close friend just had a death in the family. #
• I feel awful for her, it was v. unexpected. Tonight/tomorrow will = wakes. Usually every Samhain I bring a stuffed pumpkin #
• but I just don't think I'm going to be able to this year. I'll bring a metric ton of ziti instead. I may use the pumpkin for my circle #
• if it's still good and if i can manage it. #

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• We are finally moved. Thank goodness for my mom's SUV and my sister's bf's huge SUV otherwise I have no idea how we would have finished. #
• We finished on Oct. 31st. I have never seen a snake since I was v. little but as we were finishing, I saw a tiny garter snake. #
• I think it's auspitious as snakes are sacred to Shiva. #
• I then got sick as a dog from Sunday on. Jow has been an unpacking machine, but I have been useless. Today is my first day back at work #
• and that's a little iffy. I'll see how I'm doing tomorrow. I don't think I'm contagious at this point. #
• We're working out all the small aggreviating problems of a new house. All our boxes fit into the dining room, more or less which fills #
• me with hope that they'll fit okay in the actual house #
• Samhain is this weekend. I'm hoping to be well enough for it. I have my invocation set and my altar ideas prepared. #

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My darlings,

Chapter 21 is now live. I have not yet had a chance to read it, but I am personally caught up to Chapter 20 (and OMG Chapter 19!!!).

Some of you may have read about Cat's current situation. Now those of you who know her personally know that she would never ask for donations to help her with her honeymoon situation. Those of you who know her personally also know she's not comfortable taking a donation for nothing.

So *I* am asking you that if you have it to spare this week, if you could donate for Chapter 21, it would be a kindness. If anyone deserves a nice honeymoon, it's our Cat. If you would like to boost signal about the situation, please promote donations for Fairyland or the sale of ebooks.

with love,
Deb

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• This morning my jeans that are usually tight felt a little loose. Something good coming of all this shlepping I suppose. #
• I was listening to a radio show last night about how technology is moving faster than people are comfortable with and how people have #
• started to ask other people to sort of check their crackberry, etc at the door so that everyone is "present". I do confess, I get annoyed #
• when people are constantly surfing and texting while I am out with them, I find it frustrating. I don't mind an occasional quick text #
• but if I'm out with you, I'm trying to connect with you and it makes me feel less important. #
• They were also saying how current tech makes it so people are never lost and never alone which I think speaks a lot to our current culture. #
• And on one hand, I like that gps has made travel so much easier. On the other, I have many fond memories of my friends and I playing the #
• Let's Get Lost Game and we would get lost on purpose and admire the houses, check out new towns, eat munchkins, gossip #
• It's made it so that I am never lost for long in central NJ and will only get lostish in South Jersey and North Jersey. #
• My office surprised me yesterday with a bread machine that also makes jam. I'm v. excited about this. I know it's normal to boff the #
• first few batches, but it's made me calmer, somehow. I think I keep subconsciously freaking about what I'm going to do when I am settled #
• Because the last year all I've been is unsettled. And it's like, okay, I'll make bread. I'll make some Julia Childs recipes and other #
• vintage recipes. I'll write. I'll sew skirts. I'll get back to making stuff for L.'s shop. #
• and it's calming. #
• Thanks to an email this morning, I'm finally coming to peace with a relationship I have long since struggled with. #
• And I came to peace with it by taking responsibility for my actions in what I did wrong there. #
• This year has really been about that for me, taking responsibility for actions and decisions I've made and it's really helped. #
• I think on Halloween if we can manage it, we're going to see where the wild things are and get munchkins and go to cokesbury. #
• Garage is cleaned out, wasband closet #2 is cleared out. Now it's just packing odds and ends, shelping it down to the garage #
• and then shlepping it all to the new condo. #
• I'm starting to get better adjusted to sleeping in the new place. I think I want to keep my current bedframe and just get a new mattress #

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• We have thrown out so much stuff that we've needed to do an unauthorized trip or two to the dumpsters in my old complex. #
• Bed is assembled, thanks to the boys. The garage is almost completely cleaned out. Most of the kitchen is done. #
• The bathrooms are more or less done. Our current goal is to get rid of a crapload of the garbage, and get all of the unmoved junk into the #
• garage and then on Fri/Sat take my mom's suv and just pack it out. Fri the cleaning service comes so tomorrow fridge needs to be cleaned out #
• I am v. willing to pay for things in general - a cleaning service, new clothes, etc. I am v. unwilling to pay for boxes. #
• I feel like we should be able to wildcraft them, they happen organically all over the place. So far, my plan has been successful. #
• I'm v. anxious and tired today. The weather has not helped. #
• I'm trying to get used to sleeping in our new bedroom. We closed the door against Frolicking Night Time Cats. I am adjusting the blinds. #
• I'm trying to get used to needing to opening and closing the bedroom door to pee in the middle of the night. #
• I think we need a hall night light. #
• I just want to be done, I'm really worn thin at this point, though I am grateful for all the help we've had, our move wouldn't have been #
• nearly as smooth or easy without it. #
• I'm still trying to digest how different my life has become in a year and a small handful of weeks. #
• Wading through all the accumulated junk has definately brought up a lot of issues. #
• I've definately gone outside my comfort zone this year. #
• Friday we will have intertubes again in the house and cable which will help. All it's been this week is cathouse and scrubs. #
• I'm ready for some Judge Judy and Degrassi. #

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